Reassessment of the Situation

I got whisked off to Bournemouth for a mini weekend break with my boyfriend, as a belated birthday treat. And it was so nice. The weather (for once) was lovely and I was looking forward to being away from the hustle and bustle of London town.

We had a stroll down to the beach to then walk across to the pier and make the most of our surroundings. But what I wasn't expecting, was the way I felt when walking along the seaside.

You may remember I wrote a post a while ago about Torso Envy? Well here it was, shoved in my face.

It wasn't just the fact that I am at a weight where I feel uncomfortable to have any form of skin on show - it was seeing all these tummies, so tanned and flat. It's not even that everyone looked like a cover star, they just had normal stomachs.

But it hit me like a ton of bricks; the difficulty I have of finding ANYTHING to wear as my bloat is so large, the embarrassment of not wanting to wear anything suitable for a beach in case it clung on the rotund flamonge. It just sucked.

Obviously I didn't want to ruin the mood of the weekend, so asked if we could sit in some shade so at least I wasn't a sweaty, bloated lady.

And don't get me started on my forward-thinking for after we'd been out for dinner: don't eat too much in case we're not near a toilet, don't make a big deal about maybe not staying out and that an early night would be better, play it down that basically I just want to be able to poo in peace.

Thank god I have an understanding boyfriend.

So I have decided that as I seem to be having no luck with food (always eat low fibre, etc.) I am making an appointment with my GP to see about a liquid diet.

The only time I haven't been bloated in any way, was when I was first out of hospital having been on only fluids. As soon as solid food passed my lips, it was like someone inflated my insides and won't let it go back down.

Also, seeing as my consultant at my current hospital thinks it's ok to wait a few months for me to see a dietician, I'm going to inquire about this. Because I want to lose weight. I really do.

Not only do I have the bloat making things difficult, I now dread having to go outside as I don't know what to wear.

It's not a case of let's not be silly now, I'm sure you'll look lovely - it's the panic in having to find anything to fit me.

I've lost count the number of times clothes have made me cry recently; most ridiculous being in the Maternity Section of Topshop in Oxford St where I cried into a wall of t-shirts as I wondered how I ended up standing there, without a baby but an overwhelming need for loose clothing.

Yet despite the element of positivity I have of going on a liquid diet, I am also increasingly aware that one for Crohn's is designed to help maintain weight...as we know, losing weight is a common symptom of Crohn's (I would welcome this right now?!)

So how do I do it? Because standard liquid diets are higher in fibre/have fibre supplements, as this is helpful for a healthy gut. But I don't have a healthy gut. So what the bloody hell do I do?!

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Mind Games

I am very much a positive person when it comes to looking on the brighter side of life, and what not. But I seem to have hit a wall.

I wouldn't say that I am 'depressed' again - I am just having a hard time trying to stay upbeat about me and my body.

Weight issue aside (because you all know how I feel about that), I don't understand how I can get better when no one knows why certain things are happening inside me...ok, yes, I am under investigation again, but at a snail's pace. And the snail is asleep.

At least before when I'd be a bit down about the whole thing, I knew I had a scan/appointment/consultation around the corner and we were working towards getting me better.

But their lack of urgency is even more apparent with the appointment letters I got through this week. My surgical follow up appointment is for December. My cat scans are in the middle of July and my gastro follow up is near the end of August. Great work.

I really don't want to have to get more poorly before someone does something to help?!

I guess I feel like I did before I was diagnosed with Crohn's; I know things aren't normal and despite what the medical people say to me, it's not making a blind bit of difference. When there's a fundamental problem with my body - especially my digestive system - whatever I do right now, isn't going to change anything.

Which is why I am in the middle of moving hospitals on the hope that whoever I see next will be able to help me out...

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25

Today is my birthday!!

I am 25 years old - officially at 8:57pm.

Without sounding like a complete sap, I suppose I'm not really where I thought I would be at 25; I'm not yet married, I'm not dancing full time, I don't own my own house.

I guess when I was younger, being 25 seemed exceptionally grown up.

HOWEVER, I have managed to nab myself an amazing boyfriend, keep an excellent support network of friends and famm, get a job in an industry which is oh so fun and I get to work with people who are ace.

Oh and I got Crohn's. But that's by the by...

So tonight I am going to have a cocktail or 5 and dance until the sun comes up, as I have a tactical day off tomorrow.

Me as a young'un

Oh yeah. Birthday. Yeah.

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More Exciting News!

As you know, I was asked to write a guest post for Me and IBD - and now it is LIVE.

I wasn't sure what to write about and ended up going with my gut; in every sense of the word.

Would really appreciate it if you would have a read through and let me know what you think?

Thank you!

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