Walk It 2021

I have full imposter syndrome about doing sports, but here we are. It's June. The month I committed to doing a half marathon's distance for Crohn's and Colitis UK. 

As I touched upon in my last post, 2020 was a tough year for everyone what with Covid19 and the uncertainty that brought in these unprecedented times. Yet from a personal, Crohn's point of view, it was my toughest year to date. Throw in a global pandemic and WHAT A RIDE. Honestly? When I had my flare up in March, I thought I was going to die and my body had had enough. I've never felt so vulnerable. When it happened again in September I just didn't know what was going on in my insides and what the plan was - if there even was one.

Yes, ok I've had all the operations and procedures when I've flared beforehand and generally I've been fine (?) with that. But I have never vomited *actual* shit before; and all at a time when I wasn't even sure if my husband was allowed in hospital with me when I needed him the most. 

But hey, now it's quite the anecdote and conversation starter at least.

That week in March 2020 was a whirlwind...we had our boys' christenings and the next day at 2am I was blue lighted into hospital with the whole shit shenanigans. At one point prior to ringing 999, I was breastfeeding my baby whilst being sick in a bowl. The rest is a bit of a blur - but to summarise, once in hospital and all the pain relief, I had a CT scan and the strongest IV antibiotic steroids to try and calm down the inflammation in my small intestine, as it was essentially causing a faux blockage. Persevered with a week of meds and the bloods and tests showed things had calmed so off I went home.

Fast forward to September and I was optimistically getting my hair coloured - even though I felt beyond rough (lockdown locks had gone wild, plus I thought the pamper might make me feel better). However, I ended up being sick in her bin in between rinsing the colour off and knew things weren't going to be ok. I rang the other half and said to get his mum round to watch the kids as this was looking to be another 999 situ. Even though my hairdresser was incredible in that situation, I could imagine that the professional part of her must have been like 'Jesus Christ, that bleach needs toner. It's so brassy.'  We simply paused on the 'do and I promised I'd be back to finish it off soon. LITTLE DID I KNOW. 

***

It seems strange writing about September in such a pragmatic way, as I look back at the Instagram posts from that time and I just wasn't ok?? Like I said, I've had like nearly 20 operations but this one hit different: that the inflammation from March never really went away and was now an actual blockage. The urgency of an op, the seriousness of it. The fact that it's not just me; it's my husband and two boys that are relying on me to pull through this flare. 

Because of covid, there were the obvious and expected delays with things which inevitably allows thinking time. When you're on your own in a hospital bed, the mind can really run wild. But I got my op; resection in the small and large intestine, with an incision down my stomach and a new belly button for good measure. The optimism was creeping back in, and now it was all focus on the recovery. That was until I got a temperature, got incredibly distended and couldn't pass wind for days. They say after that type of surgery that your bowels forget what their job is, so to try walking around and what not, trying to encourage bowel movement. Never have I willed on a fart as much as I did during this time. Any sort of humility and decorum had long gone.

The fart never came.

Instead, I got another NG tube and was having litres of dark green fluid syringed out of my stomach. I had another CT scan because they thought I had a leak from where the new bits of intestines were joined together. Fortunately I did not have a leak - I guess things were just going to take their time and test me physically and mentally as we went on. But yeah sure. Was in hospital for a little while and then once I'd done the enigmatic poo we'd all been waiting for, it was time to head home again and start the next stage of recovery.

Recovery took longer than I'd thought and hoped it would, but I also knew I couldn't push myself too much. To go slow, rest, look after myself. And after six weeks or so I was miles off the state I was in before my operation and I felt able to look forward to the good bits.

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Side note - Probably worth mentioning here that a kidney consultant rang in Autumn last year to discuss the CT scans I'd had when an inpatient in March. Turns out I have a couple of kidney stones knocking around. After many a phone appointment and consultations in hospital since, I'm now actually waiting on another operation in the next few weeks. 

I want to do my walk before I'm back in another post-op recovery period. If you'd like to help my fundraising, the link is below...

Harriet's Walking - Walk It 2021

Thank you in advance, you wonderful people.

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Headspace

If you follow me on social media, you would have seen that this week has been quite a challenging one for me - especially with regards to my Crohn’s and how I’m maybe not handling it in the best way this time. It’s an emotionally draining disease: the rollercoaster of feelings you can have in such a short space of time is quite overwhelming and this particular flare up seems different. I don’t know why, it just does. In all likelihood it could be down to the fact that I currently have no ‘normality’ yet; I’m still in a settling in period. My mundane routines are shot to hell what with the relocation from London, being a newlywed, going back to work after Maternity Leave and the mum-guilt associated with that. My support network is still there, oh for sure. But my personal go-to coping mechanisms aren’t necessarily.

I guess I just don’t feel like I have that guarantee this time, where my mind doesn’t need to flap so much (I have zero reason to think things won’t be ok and I am more than aware at the irrationality *eye rolls at self*) But for instance, these are the things I worry about…how I haven’t been back at work long enough to feel like I can prove myself, e.g. when my insides go mental don’t worry guys! Because when I’m healthy, oh I’m grand. Or to know how to function as a Mummy when really poorly. Or worrying about WHAT IS THE ACTUAL PLAN WITH MY CROHN’S. And when you’re sitting in a hospital bed on your lonesome in the middle of the night, you can’t help but let your mind wander.

There just seems so much uncertainty and for a woman who likes a plan…this one’s tough.

I spoke with my IBD nurses at the hospital and they recommended reaching out to the psychologists here. I’ve always been very vocal how for me counselling has been a great help – I’ve tried a variety over the years from one-to-one youth counselling, to a more general CBT approach and also group sessions for people with other chronic conditions. And now I feel that I need another outlet. For who I am as a person now. As a mother. As a wife. As a new West Country bumpkin. Where do I fit in and how do I learn how to manage with my Crohn’s for the current set up? Excuse the wanky term, but that’s a ‘journey’ that I’m going to have to go on and hopefully find out some of those answers.

I need to learn that only I put pressure on myself to be worrying for everyone one else in the world. But hey, once a worrier! But also that it’s key to know it’s all right that there’ll be things out of my control and everything will be just fine whether I’m in hospital or not. Whether I sit in this bed for another two weeks or I’m allowed home tomorrow. And that I’m also no use to anyone if I don’t allow myself time to get better: do as I’m told. Do as the doctors say. Rest when told. Let my body do its thing. Because my Crohn’s alone looks to be laden with many more hurdles and challenges over the coming months and I need to be ready for that. And it’s something I’ll be sharing with you all for sure.

From a more general standpoint as it stands with regards to my care, we are yet to manage a full meal. However we have had the camera up the ass today – wonderful Friday morning activity – and also had another x-ray to see what the bloody hell is happening inside me. There is a pesky 30cm section of small intestine that was found back in Summer 2015 and it was something we were ‘keeping an eye on’. Well the eyes have been subsequently peeled and nothing has changed so… but herein lies the problem. 30cm is a sizable chunk of small intestine. We don’t just whip that out willy nilly now guys. When discussing the large intestine, there are slightly more options surgically speaking – in that you can actually take it out completely if needs be. But when it comes to the unusually named small intestine (bearing in mind you have around 6m), you can’t live without that. And the more you chip away at it with resections, the more you leave yourself susceptible to future complications. Nutritional issues, feeding through tubes, being open to more serious diseases. Lovely stuff. So we’re tackling this from a medical point of view first. We’re mixing up the meds. We’re changing the doses. We’re hoping that I haven’t indirectly been overdosing on azathioprine as my weight has dropped. To quote the surgeon, is the resection off the table? No, not particularly. Is it something that requires urgent intervention this week? Also no.

So it’s time to get my game face on. It’s time to get my headspace sorted. Take those 3 minutes a day to meditate and zone out. To plan whatever is within my remit to prepare for.

And know that the rest will sort itself out.

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Planning a Planned Arrival

Can't quite believe we're so close now! We had our 34 week appointment today with the c-section doctors, which naturally got me thinking about how you plan for a planned arrival...

I'm very much in the stage of pregnancy where I am completely freaking out, my dreams are stupidly vivid, I can't sleep for baby movement and all I can do is worry about what lies ahead. Will I be a good mum? Will baby be ok? What actually happens in a caesarean? I've read a lot recently that confirms that all of the above is normal and of course it's good to share my thoughts because it's not unusual to worry. It's a huge thing, after all! We've made a human being. I'm just going to have to wait and see, as I can't get myself all worked up over the unknown (a mantra I lived by with my Crohn's).

But my appointment today made me a tad nervous; it's the same as with my Crohn's ops in that you essentially consent to everything and wait and see what we find when they open you up.

We had confirmation today that due to previous abdo operations, my Gastro team will be in the theatre with the c-section team, myself and my other half. Hopefully when they make the incision, my bowel and scar tissue haven't caused too much of a problem in which case the Gastro team can bid farewell and then we can get baby out in a routine way. If however it obstructs what needs doing to access baby, they'll do their bit and then let the obstetricians take over. A little revolving door of surgeons around my nethers, if you will.

Like with any surgery there are risks; although there's been talk of a stoma and colostomy beforehand when I had my resection back in 2013, I didn't realise that it could be something that pops up in regards to when I deliver my baby. I guess in my mind I kept my bum issues separate from my front bum bits. There are of course risks associated with a routine c-section too, with everything from wound infection and bleeding to a hysterectomy. So yes, I'm a little worried. But as I used to say with my Crohn's ops, I was just another bottom to them - and this is just another caesarean. We have planned as much as we can and all we can do is hope that everything runs smoothly! In 30 days time.

Now I'm officially on maternity leave (post following shortly) I am just going to put all my energy into nesting and try not to let my worries get the better of me. And I'm also going to avoid reading some of the shite on the internet about how a c-section is the "easy way out" and that I'm "not giving birth" as I've had my baby "surgically removed".

I'll have to get back to you on that.

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Thirties

We are 30 weeks pregnant. THIRTY. That only leaves 8 weeks until we're booked in. Whatever happens in the coming weeks we will definitely have a baby in 59 days.

Had a bit of a tricky weekend and subsequent morning today, mind. Heartburn still causing me grief - so much so I vomited on myself in the shower from burping. Nice. My Braxton Hicks are certainly getting stronger and making it much harder to stand up straight when they're present. All part and parcel of entering the 8 months preg club I guess!

However what I wasn't expecting this early was to lose a little bit of my plug.

There's no way to discuss it without being gross, so if preg detailed talk is too much, scroll down to the safe zone my friend...

Naturally, reading up on your mucus plug isn't the most pleasant of topics but something that needed to be done when you see what can only be described as a blob of clearish snot where it shouldn't be. A quick phone call with my midwives confirmed that as there was no pink in colour or blood, labour isn't imminent (can be anything from a few hours or few weeks if the full plug, or 'show', has happened). But that it does sound like some has come out and to keep an eye on things down there, rest up, etc.

Now I'm contending with pressure in my nethers, knowing baby is head down and that I'm without some of my plug. Please don't try and leave just yet oh miniature one! I haven't even packed your hospital bag!

*SAFE ZONE*

Needless to say there will be a delayed #bumpingalong picture as I am not wearing anything that's publicly acceptable; pants, t-shirt. A for-my-eyes-only vibe. I did manage to shave my legs all on my own though - except now they look like sausage meat.

So quick catch up on our first antenatal class last week for you: it was all about Intervention & Caesareans, the latter being the main bit for us. Hearing about being induced and seeing some of the tools used made my tummy go all funny. Yet strangely, talking frankly about the proceedings in a c-section didn't really phase me. I guess it's because I've had 14 ops with my Crohn's so a surgical set up is almost more favourable for me than a natural one!? Surgical is my natural set up.

Tonight's class is all about boobies. Well, officially Feeding Baby. But breastfeeding and bottle feeding, I believe. I've tried to get a bit of a head start and started reading 'Breastfeeding Made Easy' by Geraldine Miskin as I'd love to be able to breastfeed my human that I'm growing. I am aware however that it's not something all mums are able to do, whether by choice or otherwise, so I don't want to put pressure on myself if it turns out that my boobies can't do the feeding.

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BabyMooning

Well that was everything I wanted it to be and more. And the thing is, we didn't even really do anything. But it was perfect.

I don't want to sound like a big ol' sap but I honestly feel like this little break away for our BabyMoon has made me fall in love, all over again. Just with a new element to our relationship, in that we're going to be parents. 

I think not being distracted by life for a few days allowed us to just really enjoy one another's company - and I guess that's the whole point of a BabyMoon? Making the most of your time as a couple. It's definitely something I want to maintain even when baby's here; making sure our relationship doesn't fall by the wayside just because there's a human running around who we made.

It was strange going through the motions travelling though, such as security at the airport, or boarding the plane. You have moments when you think: Jesus wept, next time we do this we will have our small person with us. How things are going to change?! It was brilliant watching all the other Summer Holiday parents slightly losing their shit whilst travelling with their children, trying to stay composed as their foot gets trodden on for the tenth time. Such fun lies ahead it seems *googles prices of Trunkies in preparation*

Here are a few snapshots basically of me and my bump, from said BabyMoon and then I promise I will stop saying that word.

Whilst away I stayed committed to my weekly #bumpingalong in a size 12 non-maternity bikini from Boohoo.  Actually found the whole bare bump thing quite liberating! It was like being nude in public, but not in any way at all. (Thank you other half for being my photographer as and when required).

Sunshine Bumping

I am particularly enjoying seeing how much my belly moves now. Gone are the odd punches and kicks from the bambino - we're now in the swirls and ripples stage. And it is SO COOL to watch..."Come and look at my stomach! Feel the baby! Look at the baby!" I'm just in complete and utter amazement at the body and what it is capable of. We have such an active baby, yet whenever I try to capture it on film it just stops. Like it knows, playing games with its mum. However there's still plenty of time for me to film the wiggles!

Talking of the wiggles, we had our 24 weeks midwife appointment yesterday. So although it was a shame to only have a few days break away, it wasn't all bad as we got to listen to our baby again and know that everything is as it should be for this stage in pregnancy. Measuring fine, heart beating strong, movement patterns good.

I really like that they remind you how important it is to keep an eye on your baby's movements. And remember, it's not a case of a certain number of kicks per day. It's knowing what pattern is right for your baby - there's no magic number of movements. If your regular pattern changes, then to the midwife you go!

So despite our baby kicking the midwife away like last time, we got to hear the reassuring beats and that meant we could leave the hospital with the piece of mind that all is wonderful right now. Only 4 more appointments (week 28, 31, 34 and 36) and then BABY ARRIVES AT WEEK 38. Oh gosh. And we're now under 100 days to go as well which means it's action stations this Summer to get everything prepped and ready.

Also got given the info for antenatal classes; imagine there will be many an update once these begin, as we go on a journey to meet fellow parents-to-be. Ooooh. Parent friends.

And breathe.

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PS: I've realised the title of this post sounds a bit like a baby showing its bare bottom. Ah well.

TWO WEEKS!

Two weeks yesterday until my 10k run.

And it's all becoming rather real, especially now all my stuff has arrived!

My Crohn's and Colitis t-shirt, my running number, my book of instructions... oh my!

And the fundraising is going really well - (as I type) only £85 to go until we hit our target of £500!! This is AMAZING. But of course I couldn't blog about my run without another cheeky plea!

You can donate through JustGiving and our page is www.justgiving.com/harrietsgotcrohns

OR

You can text HSJD50 with the amount you wish to donate to 70070

OR

Click the widget on the left hand side of my blog

I've been gymming it for the last month or so and have realised a few things: 1) how out of shape I am [not a massive surprise] 2) how my medications have plumped me right up over the years [again, who am I kidding thinking I'm still thin?!] and 3) how bad my arthritic knee is getting [this is new].

I'm aware that I'm going to have to train ruddy hard these next two weeks, strap my knee up like I'm hiking a mountain and push myself to try and beat my time from before. That would be 1hr 09 for your reference.

It's going to be tough - but nothing in comparison to some of the shite Crohn's puts you through!

Every cloud and all that!!

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New person?

Almost feeling back to normal. If normal was a thing.

All the symptoms that caused me to feel like a bag of broken marbles have disappeared... now it's just a case of powering through the remaining weeks of Pred! Also have the dietician on 14th and then catch up with my consultant in about a month to see how things are.

I'm not a fan of steroids as I feel it gives a false sense of security; it giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other *puts away rose tinted glasses* However, if it's patching bits up that don't make sense - even if it is only for a number of weeks - then that's a hell of a lot better than continually feeling AWFUL. And at least I'm back at work now!

And I've also joined a gym! I know. I am basically a new person. Went to Zumba Step on Wednesday...almost died. But if you pardon the pun, I am one step closer to have an ass like Shakira Shakiraaaaaa. Might as well try and turn the rapid weight gain into something that resembles a bootay instead of a Teletubby.

But yes, as I've been in this relatively normal state for a week or so now, it's let me plan and do some wonderful things! 'Twas the other half's birthday last week which meant we could have a countryside escape for the weekend. Visited a National Trust village called Lacock (oh matron) and relaxed in a converted cottage in Devizes. Simply scrumptious. Makes me want to go all Cath Kidston, put on my wellingtons, bake a pie and leave it on the window sill of my thatched cottage.

 

And now to this weekend where I will be exploring Winchester with some old girlfriends. Many giggles to be had with these two lovelies... 

And I can't bloody wait.

Catch up soon amigos!

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Snap Happy!

I have FINALLY worked out how to create a gallery for my blog!

I've put the majority of the photos that appear in my blog on the page, allowing you a closer look (if you want to anyway, as there are a lot of post-op ones!)

Available through this link or you can click the 'Gallery' tab across the top of the page.

Apologies if you're of a squeamish nature - but hey, ho. 'Tis part and parcel of Crohn's...

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Food, Glorious Food!

Well this is very much a week of indulgent food - and I want to join in!

Shrove Tuesday yesterday...Valentine's Day tomorrow...such wonderful food to be had.

Except I'm not quite there yet with eating solids: I have managed to eat a version of a roast (tender beef, mash potato, cauliflower cheese, gravy) but even after this I'm finding myself running to the toilet either straight after dinner - or worse - halfway through.

Yesterday I decided I was having pancakes. I didn't care, I was going to live life on the edge! It was pancake day after all. And it tasted so good! But boy did I have pains afterwards. And needless to say, I didn't finish the whole thing :(

And tomorrow is Valentine's. Meal deals on every other advert, in every supermarket. And it all looks so tasty - but also very rich (this makes me nervous). I believe my significant other is doing the cooking tomorrow, so I shall leave it up to him with what variety of Harriet-ready food he makes.

I'm also not sure where alcohol comes into my recovery?! As it's not something I wanted to ask when being discharged (avoids any judgement). But I would quite like to enjoy a glass of wine tomorrow evening? My justification is that wine is flat...like water haha.

Normality is close though, I can feel it. Apart from pain just after eating, general pain seems to be dwindling. Movement is becoming a bit easier. We're getting there guys!

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Home Sweet Home

Oh hi there. Sorry for the few days of nothingness.

Slowly been adjusting to being back at home...

Don't get me wrong, I bloody love it! But it's also quite a challenge, as you're very protected in hospital; things at the right height, a variety of bars to hold onto in the bathroom, your medicine brought to you as and when you need it. And obviously I don't have all of this at home, but I am fortunate enough to have an amazing boyfriend. Literally couldn't have done any of this without him.

They also said around 80% of my recovery will be done at home - so at least I know it can only get better?!

But for now, here's a brief round-up of what you've missed this week:

FOOD

Managed to have (and finish) macaroni and cheese last night. Also successfully eaten smooth mash potato with gravy. Everything else has been either jelly/custard/yoghurt/soup. On the plus side, have now lost just over 3kgs since last week...every cloud and all that. But MY GOD I cannot wait to eat a proper meal! I'm fed up of salivating over food adverts haha.

TOILET TIME

This, I've found the strangest. After a bowel operation, there's the natural expectation of changes in bowel activity. But apart from the few days last week (NG tube, and what not) my insides have gone right back to how they were; 5-6 times a day, and extremely loose. But I'm assuming that as I heal, this will change to a more 'typical' toilet time? As surely part of the point of my op was to help me have normal day-to-day activities.... Who knows? Only time will tell.

MY WOUND

Well this is looking ever so neat and tidy! I'm actually very pleased with how it's turned out. As it's not something in which you have a choice in the aesthetics, I was preparing myself for a mash up of scars on my stomach. But the surgeon has done a fab job, and hopefully as it fades over time, it will be part of a natural crease in my skin.

I also had the ten staples removed today. Very odd experience. I'm slowly getting feeling back in that area (as the nerve endings were severed) so only felt the last three staples being removed.

Still on my antibiotics for the collection they found under my wound - don't want to leave myself open to any complications. But with an outpatient appointment scheduled for a few weeks time, we are on the right track!

MY MIND

I'm also noticing that I have a mini mental battle with myself. In some ways it's harder being on bed-rest post-op, than it was being at home before my op. This is because to avoid boredom before, I would clean/tidy/general potter around my house. Whereas now, all I can do is sleep. Because cleaning/tidying/general pottering around my house will do more harm than good.

All in all, just need to get used to general movement as each muscle slowly kicks back in, and my nerve endings stand to attention. But already noticed how each day genuinely makes a difference. 

Will try not to leave it so long before I post again...

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