Wednesday 25 September 2013

Ring Ring

So I have a telephone assessment tomorrow. For my mind.

This makes me nervous but it's all for the right reasons!

I just have to hope I'm not on la toilette at the time of the call - as my body doesn't like an interruption to its own schedule...

Haha - taraa for now!



Thursday 19 September 2013


Also, forgot to mention a few things that came up whilst talking to my GP; mini epiphanies (in the middle of a breakdown), if you will.

I didn't quite realise that one of my main issues with the whole Crohn's thing is that I seem to be a micro-manager, for almost every part of my life. And as I'm sure you all know by now, one of the main selling points of Crohn's is its unpredictability.

Because there is no cure - at the moment - Crohn's will be underlying problem in everything I do. And despite my best efforts at not letting it get me down, I'm yet to experience life for a decent amount of time where it isn't my main concern. So that in turn, makes it hard to imagine life different to how it is now.

I also came to the conclusion (sensible or otherwise) that I think I am always going to struggle with accepting myself fully as a Crohnie. Until I am able to accept myself for who I am now, not who I was.

There really is nothing I want more than to get back on my boat of positivity and get out of this skewed dip. But nonetheless, it was interesting to hear myself talk about the above because I didn't really know they were such an issue.

Mind boggling. In every sense.


PS: Stumbled across this song whilst watching last weekend's X Factor (sad I know). Pretend it's not about a boy and a relationship, but more a person and their depression. It's a great one to sing out!


Human Jenga

I went to the GP on Monday.

One of the things she said to me really hit home, as I'd never thought about depression in that way, as there's not always a particular trigger for the dips...

I was in the middle of playing human Jenga. Hypothetically, with pieces being removed for various reasons I stayed standing - and although things seemed all right, I wasn't as balanced as I thought I was and it toppled.

So I've been referred back to CBT counselling - but this time she's requested individual as opposed to group, as the group one wasn't such a benefit for me. The people in my group were having issues with things they could change. But this was my problem. I was in there because I couldn't cope with things that I had no control over, couldn't change.

Now I wait for the counselling chaps to call me, quiz me on how I feel about everything and anything, and then wait for a letter with my level of depression. Ooh such fun.

Naturally I'm worried about how this is going to effect work and my relationships; all of them. Not just the need to leave to talk about my life to a stranger. But the days when I'm feeling low. The days when I don't even want to get out of bed, let alone leave the house.

All I can do now though is know that I'm doing everything I can to go back to 'normal'. Whatever that is.



Thursday 5 September 2013

For Fellow IBDers

This post is for all my readers that have an IBD as you will know EXACTLY how I feel today.

The pain in my stomach is bad, but hey ho that's part and parcel. But what I am struggling with today is not being able to walk more than 5 metres without genuinely feeling like I'm going to shit myself.

It's exhausting.

And after the commute from hell this morning, I've got a feeling today is going to be a tricky one..



So I was just browsing the internet, as you do at lunchtime, and I found this: People who are having a worse day than you

Made me laugh! (But not too hard, in case I pooed haha)

Tuesday 3 September 2013

Hospital Fun


I appear to be becoming quite slack at regularly posting - but it's only because I've started a new job and it is all very very busy!

I'm sure once everything has settled down it will give me the opportunity to post more often.

So a quick update from where I left off:

  • Had the hospital last Thursday; generally good news with regards to results from the colonoscopy and MRI. My doctor did tell me that although there were signs of inflammation, it was general Crohn's stuff so nothing I can really do about that other than keep on the meds!

  • I've officially been put back on Azathioprine now; didn't get on well with this AT ALL last time. But he explained how I shouldn't really be on Humira on its own (why I didn't know this before is beyond me)

  • And obviously I did the honest thing and told him about the lump on me backside. He said it seems superficial and not too much to worry about - but because of my history he has put me on antibiotics. Not Metronidazole though which is a plus! As after 10 times with that and 10 ops regardless, it's nice to know there is an alternative. However, as with all my lumps on bums, if nothing has changed within ten days then I am back into see him for a meeting with the surgeon for another EUA.

Reeeeeaaallllyy hoping it sorts itself out as I love my new job and don't want any unnecessary time off (one could argue an op is in fact necessary, but you know what I'm trying to say!)

My doctor also feels that once I see the dietician (mid-October) that I could actually be in a position where my Crohn's is relatively under control. Music to my ears!!! But he did say he's still a bit baffled with the bloat as medically, all my things check out normal...

Now. My old hospital sent me a letter the other day. This was a double-edged sword really, as it contained the results from the CAT Scan I had a little while ago (good) but also a sentence which really ground my gears (bad)...

"Miss Stevens did not attend her Outpatients appointment today. I hope this is not been due to an administrative error."


I'm not too sure how many departments I have to call again to inform them that I have left the hospital and joined a marvellous one?! Also. Why be so quick to reference my not turning up/administrative error when I spent over six months fighting with the administrative system!?

Anyway, ranting aside, the letter said the following: The SeHCAT scan has revealed severe bile salt malabsorption with a total body retention at day 7 of 1%.

That doesn't sound too great, but it seems to be easily fixed. Doesn't explain the bloat though, just the watery insides haha (sorry if you're reading this over lunchtime)

And on that note, I am off to get some lunch myself.

Taraa chaps!

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