Thursday 24 January 2013

Arse, Bottom and Bum (squared)

For all those mathematicians out there, you may have noticed I wrote three different words for your backside, followed by 'squared'. That's because...

3 x 3 = 9

And 9 is the number of abscesses I have had over the last three and a bit years.

The only way to talk about these lovely little lumps and the pain/trouble/embarrassment they've caused me, is to give you a brief overview of some of the more memorable ones.

August 2008

This was the first abscess I had, and will always be the most memorable - not only because of the pain before, during and after - but because I was having to self-pack the open wound when in Cuba with the man. Oh and whilst in Cuba we got stuck in Hurricane Ike. First time the resort had been hit by a hurricane in 45 years...not ideal!

Once an abscess has been drained, it must be packed with what I named wadding. Think of it as a cavity in your tooth; it must heal from the inside out to avoid further infection, so less wadding must be put in each day. FACT: This is because skin heals faster than tissue.

The pain is indescribable. It's simply awful. I don't know if it's because it is unnatural to have medical tools digging around in your body tissue when you're awake, or if it's because they were perianal abscesses. (Hopefully I won't need to explain exactly where they were...? I'll give you a clue: perianal)

But I got through it and back to uni and continued my investigation into why I got this little bugger in my bottom.

June 2009

This was my second abscess in a matter of months. The difference with this time was I knew I had Crohn's and they were able to tell me that abscesses were something that I was going to be prone to. 

However I soon learnt that what happened back in August with the medicine, was going to be a pattern that kept repeating itself: "Take the metronidazole, the lump will stay but the pain and swelling will go." YES. YES IT WILL....NEVER. Here we go again...

August 2009

This one is memorable because it was so close to my kidney op. And it was also the one where my surgeon at the time (from Chelsea & West) decided the best course of action was through surgical intervention and to place a seton inside me.

For ease of understanding, a seton is a surgical-grade cord which (in my case) went through my bum hole, threaded through the fistula embedded in my pelvis and came out of my bum cheek. This was then tied together and gravity (?!) would pull the wire up towards the surface. Ta da!

The aim is to allow healing of the fistula without too much interference, as too much prodding down there could lead to incontinence. This was obviously not something I wanted to be worrying about! "Oh I need the toilet...ahh it appears I've already been."

I got told I would have the seton in for around 3 months, where they would then remove it and all would be well. Except I got another three abscesses whilst with said seton, which meant me and my wire were together for around nine months.

May 2011

Now this has to be my favourite of all the abscesses, because the circumstances are so ridiculous.

I knew I had an abscess and was back on metronidazole, but I also had a weekend in St Ives planned with one of my best friends and decided I was going to go, whatever. And what was to say that this time the meds wouldn't work? I had a longer prescription, I felt better in myself, I had high hopes.

So we went out for dinner and I knew on the walk that things were not great. Skip a few hours and I'm throwing up blood in the toilet, my best friend's on the phone to the ambulance and I have an ass throbbing like I'd had the skin ripped right off me.

Cue operation #8 down in Truro A&E and an odd phonecall to your boyfriend (who's currently in Bristol) to tell him you're about to have more surgery....in Cornwall. On the plus side, I did learn that St Ives is probably one of the most relaxing places to recover. And I also got a spontaneous mini-vacay as the man came down to see me. What a marvellous ending to an unusual (and extended) weekend away!

Last but by no means least...September 2011

This was my last abscess operation where they found that I actually had two fistulae and they were able to lay open the one closest to the surface. And it seems that that was the one that was causing me problems as (touch wood) I haven't had another one since. Yeahhhhhhh!!

I realise I've basically mentioned them all! But as you can gather, I pretty much had an abscess encounter every three months from June 2009. It's been exhausting.

Without ending on a bum note (pun intended) that's the end of my abscess recap.

Hope it wasn't too detailed for you haha.

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