I'm strangely nervous about admitting this to you all: I have torso envy.
Whether it's friends, family, strangers on the underground, people I walk past in the street, my monthly magazine...I look at their torsos, more specifically their stomachs.
I'm envious of people who don't have a bloat. And when they say they do..pfft darling it's a mere molehill compared to my mountain. But it's not like I am yearning to be a size 6 or anything, because even a Kardashian can still rock those curves and reignite my torso envy.
But I don't have a curvy figure. Never had. I'm lost in a womanly limbo. And now I'm constantly round on the front as well.
As a brief background for you, I danced ALL THE TIME. From the age of 3 up until my last year of university. Sometimes it was 6 days a week. I never had to worry about what I ate, what it may or may not do to my body. How my figure was shaped. But obviously Crohn's changed this. And that's ok.
It's ok because shortly after diagnosis I read John Bradley's "Foul Bowel". And it was so helpful. Taught me to look at Crohn's with a whole different perspective; treat it like an arranged marriage: I didn't ask for it, but I have it and need to adapt. I can't look at what I once was, as I won't be that again. And that is what I have done.
But it still doesn't stop your mind wandering off and perving on ladies' stomachs... #awkward.
Sad thing is, I'm writing this whilst I'm on the tube and I'm close to tears as I reminisce how I once was and how little I had to worry about ha.
*****
It's now night-time and I am still just as bloated and exhausted. I'm fed up and I've broken. It has brought me to tears.
Can honestly say I didn't think there would be a moment where I am so empty - through stress and worry - that I physically break down into tears whilst stirring my baked beans in a saucepan.
As you all know I have the hospital on Wednesday to see my surgeon.
I am tempted to see if I can get a sneaky appointment with my consultant beforehand; I am worried that I'll walk in so pumped up and ready to complain, that I will essentially just burst into tears and not say anything I want to.
They simply must understand how much they've messed me around and how that effects me as a person - I'm not just a hospital number.
I also have a frazzled mind as I am convinced there is something else going on inside me. Going on the NHS website and typing in 'bloat'...only IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) comes up. Nothing to do with Crohn's.
It's becoming increasingly clear after my op that the pain and the constant bloat are too much at the forefront for me to ignore. And it is starting to piss me off, as I can't seem to do normal day-to-day activities without something happening.
Call it women's intuition. Call it a gut feeling. Either way, I just know things aren't ok and I want answers asap. But I do definitely still have Crohn's haha.
However, I've learnt from before it is best to stop your mind wandering off to places it doesn't know, because then you worry about worrying about something unknown.
I am the human personification of "The Never Ending Story"...and I'm sure I'm not the only one, unfortunately.
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