I say this because I have been told before that I had moderate depression. According to the NHS website, moderate depression has a significant impact on your daily life. And that it does, my friends.
It only takes a quick Google search of 'depression' to reveal a plethora of websites, forums and blogs - all with the same question; is depression the last taboo? An article from the South Wales Echo points out that one in six people experience depression at some point in their lives and is one of the UK's most common illnesses, yet it is often misunderstood.
Now I'm not here to give a lecture on the ins and outs of depression, with the views and thoughts of others. But whilst I am here, I am going to tell you about my personal experience with the bugger and how it makes me feel sometimes.
The reason why I want to talk about it now, is because I am really struggling at the moment.
But also because quite frankly I can't be arsed with counselling again - I have too much going on as it is with the hospital, let alone trying to squeeze in a Tuesday afternoon for an hour's chat over the next 8 weeks.
Nothing in particular this time has triggered some mental trip that I'm on. Whereas previously I have been able to pinpoint what has made me slip, I think this time it is just a complete culmination of all the crap from the hospital over the last 6 months and I'm mentally exhausted.
There are days when I genuinely don't feel like me, which in turn frustrates me that I can't understand why I feel that way. It's like I have so many questions but no answers. It's odd.
For instance, there have been times where I feel so disconnected from the world that I just stare into space and then burst into tears. I don't know why, but it's just what my body does. I'm still trying to work out if it happens because it's my only way of releasing all the stress?!
On more than one occasion I have shed a tear in the shower and then done the classic movie-moment of collapsing and just sat with my legs crossed, with water running over me. Like that will help in some way...although it's more than likely to give me a cold. So not a course of action I recommend haha. [And don't even get me started on the mortifying moment when there seems to be no water in front of you, yet you stand up and it's like a bloody tidal wave because your ass has made a human dam]
But I struggle with the lack of understanding about my own mind: Why do I sometimes feel a certain way? Why can't I stop myself feeling so down? Why am I crying all the time? Why, at times, do I feel utterly hopeless?
To give you an idea of some of the symptoms, this is what is on the NHS website:
Psychological symptoms include:
- continuous low mood or sadness
- feeling hopeless and helpless
- having low self-esteem
- feeling tearful
- feeling guilt-ridden
- feeling irritable and intolerant of others
- having no motivation or interest in things
- finding it difficult to make decisions
- not getting any enjoyment out of life
- feeling anxious or worried
- having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself
- moving or speaking more slowly than usual
- change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
- constipation
- unexplained aches and pains
- lack of energy or lack of interest in sex (loss of libido)
- changes to your menstrual cycle
- disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)
- not doing well at work
- taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
- neglecting your hobbies and interests
- having difficulties in your home and family life
Over the years I have been to a variety of counselling, ranging from one-on-one to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. All helpful in their own ways, and seemed right at the time.
The CBT group I went to just over a year ago made me aware of rumination...
Rumination is defined as the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.[1] Rumination is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned with potential bad events in the future.[1] Both rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states.[1]
[via Wikipedia, a trustworthy source ha]
I didn't realise until it was literally spelt out in front of me, how often I was ruminating. And since then, I do try really hard to distract myself when I can feel me wallowing in my own misery (now where's that sympathetic violin gone?)
But sometimes guys, I just don't have the energy to do it. And I allow myself to wander off into 'woe is me' mood and then immediately regret that decision...It's just quite tough to always be a happy cheery lady when I want to just close my eyes and run around aimlessly because I don't know what else to do.
So there we go. A disorganised ramble of me, my mind, some facts and stats on depression.
Apologies that this post may not be the most legible, but hey - my mind is muddled as it is haha!
Thanks for reading, and letting me blab on. It has certainly made me feel better.
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